Change

… about who we (really?) are

Starting from my personal experience, I think there is a point in any type of coaching or therapeutic process, when we ask ourselves: “is this really who I am?”. It usually comes, when we start noticing ourselves breaking the pattern, and reacting differently to our environment. As we’ve seen before, change happens, when the pain becomes big enough. There comes a point, where we realise, that life could be different and we decide to make a change.

Change can come in many forms and can be approached with different methods. Once we realise how our buttons are pushed, we can go to a deeper analysis of our social transactions and make a choice how to react. How not to start throwing items from our “emotional baggage” at our partner in communication. A.k.a. acting like a grownup. In cognitive behavioural therapy we change our beliefs about the triggering events that lead to our emotional reactions. Better to be safe than sorry? Live in a constant state of alert and fear, but prepared? Or live carefree and have a bad surprise every now and then? Most of our emotional reactions are a result of the beliefs we associate to the things happening around us. In NLP we simply say: smile more and you’ll notice that you’re happier.

So… Good news: we can change. May that be TA, CBT, NLP or whatever other combination of letters, we can make the choice to behave differently. It’s within our power. Bad news: sooner or later it will start feeling fake. We will question our own decisions and feelings. We will feel as if we only “fake it ‘till we make it”. Am I the mad scientist who splits the atom to develop nuclear bombs or am I the one who just wants to make some electricity? 

A few days back I was watching a YouTube video of my two favourite mentor coaches. One of them quoted the “paradoxical theory of change” used in Gestalt therapies: change occurs when one becomes what he is, not when he tries to become what he is not [1]. Reflect on it a bit, then read it again: change occurs when one becomes what he is, not when he tries to become what he is not. This in itself is such a beautiful idea, it’s a shame to keep writing after it, but I will allow myself a short conclusion:

When in doubt about you changing, remember: you are changing into who you have been all along (just forgot somewhere along the way).